


Onsra

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [11]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bittersweet Ending, Crying, Depression, Inspired by 'Amnesia', Love, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Panic Attacks, Past Suicide Attempt, Relationship Problems, Running Away, Sad, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Troubled Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:42:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2288981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Calum remembers how, the further away he got, the clearer his head was, and Calum remembers quickly becoming aware that his head was <i>not a nice place to be</i> when he felt like this. Calum remembers wishing that Michael was there with him to make the pain go away before he remembers what he’d said.<br/>"It’s <b>over</b>, Mikey. I can’t do this anymore."'</p><p>
  <b>Calum is hurting and Michael is afraid that he's making things worse.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Onsra

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, this is angsty as fuck and I was listening to "Amnesia" on repeat while I wrote it and trying not to cry, and basically I just read this back and I'm a sadistic fuck and like the put my problems on other people - that just happens to be my poor characters - and I'm _really_ sorry.  
>  Um... I hope you enjoy this?

**onsra**

_that bittersweet feeling of loving someone for the last time – in other words, when you know a love won’t last_

 

Calum Hood remembers the day it felt like his whole world was ending.

He remembers what the weather was like outside – grey skies, drizzling rain, an unusually cold breeze – and the clothes he was wearing that day – a Blink-182 t-shirt and ripped black skinny jeans. He remembers how the leather bracelets his sister had given him were hiding the scars on his wrists and he remembers how his hair was damp against his forehead as the rain fell down.

Calum remembers how _bad_ that morning had been.

He remembers how Michael hadn’t been in bed when Calum had woken up. Calum remembers padding down the hallway of the apartment they were all sharing while they were on tour and overhearing Michael and Ashton talking in the kitchen. (Calum remembers how he heard Michael say that their relationship had been “ _on the rocks for a while and he’s hurting so bad, it’s gotta be making it worse... maybe we should just... I don't know..._ ” and Calum remembers the broken sob that escaped him before he could hold it in because Michael was thinking about _ending_ things and that scared the younger boy more than he could even _comprehend_.)

Calum remembers how he ran back to their bedroom, no longer caring if he was overhead, and slammed the door shut, pushing a chair under the handle to keep it closed. He remembers hearing Michael calling through the door, begging for him to come out as Ashton was sent to wake up Luke (although what _Luke_ was meant to do, Calum had never found out.)

Calum remembers shoving everything he could reach into a bag – clothes, shoes, his notebook, a photograph he had of his family – and he remembers trying not to sob as he zipped it up and started to get dressed because _of course_ this was going to happen.

Calum remembers thinking that it was his own fault anyway. All he ever did was fuck things up and ruin things for everyone else – he couldn’t sing as well as the others so they got dragged down by him, he fucked up more of his solos than any of the rest of them, he got so much _hate_ – and it only made sense that he’d _destroyed_ his relationship with his boyfriend too.

Calum remembers lacing his trainers up with shaking hands and trying to suppress his panic when Michael continued to pound on the door, sounding almost like he was _crying_ , like he was _scared_ or something, and Calum remembers thinking that he’d managed to upset Michael again, that he really _was_ that fucking _terrible_ a person.

Calum remembers when he pulled the chair away and opened the door so abruptly that Michael stumbled and fell into the room, and Calum remembers the sob that bubbled out as he stepped over him and _ran_ , his heart racing and his breath catching in his throat when he heard Ashton and Luke shouting for him to stop as Michael started to cry properly.

Calum remembers screaming: “It’s _over_ , Mikey! I can’t _do this anymore_!” when his boyfriend scrambled to his feet to run after him, and Calum remembers how all three of them _froze_ as they stared at him in open shock. Calum remembers how it felt like the ground had been ripped out from beneath his feet as his heart dropped through the floor.

Calum remembers how cold the fresh air felt when it hit him as he wrenched the front door open – how _sobering_ it was – and Calum remembers running down the front path, vaulting the gate and just _going_ , unsure of where he was going or what he was even _doing_ but just knowing that he needed to get away from Michael and the others so that he could fucking _think_.

Calum remembers glancing over his shoulder once and seeing Michael standing in the middle of the road under the vast, grey sky, his hair a vivid green against the otherwise colourless landscape. Calum remembers how Michael’s always seemed a bit like that, and Calum remembers having to force himself to turn around so that he could _go_ , before he caused anymore damage.

He’d done enough of that already.

*

Calum remembers walking for what felt like _hours_ , although it likely hadn’t been that long at all.

Calum remembers how, the further away he got, the clearer his head was, and Calum remembers quickly becoming aware that his head was _not a nice place to be_ when he felt like this. Calum remembers wishing that Michael was there with him to make the pain go away before he remembers what he’d said.

‘ _It’s **over** , Mikey. I can’t do this anymore._’

Calum remembers having to stop for a minute because he _actually_ thought he was going to be sick. He remembers how he doubled over, feeling a bit like he was being torn in two, and he remembers suddenly being _desperately_ grateful that it was still early enough in the morning that no one else was really about, because this would make a _fine_ fucking headline if they caught Calum in the state he was in.

Calum remembers forcing himself to straighten up as he continued walking, slowly putting one foot numbly in front of the other as he left the town behind him.

Calum remembers how the rain started to fall more heavily, mingling with the tears on his cheeks, and Calum remembers thinking, with an _enormous_ amount of irony, that this was a little bit too much like ‘ _Amnesia_ ’ for comfort.

Calum remembers breaking down a bit at that, because maybe forgetting everything that had happened between him and Michael would be less _painful_ but _fuck_ , it would break Calum’s heart even more than it already was.

Calum remembers finding himself thinking about Michael’s smile before he could stop himself, his laugh and the way his hair stuck up in all directions when he woke up in the morning. Calum remembers thinking about how the fans all called Michael a kitten but how he was more like a baby bird really, surprisingly frail under the colourful feathers and just needing someone to look after him sometimes.

Calum remembers the pain he felt in his chest at that thought, remembers thinking that even if Michael and Calum weren’t necessarily good together like that, he still couldn’t _leave_ him. Calum remembers thinking that Michael had been his best friend for a _whole_ lot longer than they had been _boyfriends_ and, even if their love never _really_ faded away, Calum knew they were too dependent on each other to be apart like this now.

Calum remembers thinking how _unhealthy_ that was, and realising that he didn’t care in the slightest.

Calum remembers patting his pockets for his mobile phone – and being _so_ relieved that he had had the foresight to grab it – and he remembers how he shakily speed-dialled the first number on his contact list, and he remembers how the phone hadn’t even rang _once_ when Michael answered it.

“ _Cal?_ ” Calum remembers how Michael’s voice had sounded crackly over the static because the signal was bad but how his voice still sounded like coming home, and Calum remembers thinking that maybe their love was a little bit stronger than he liked to think. “ _Oh, Cal, thank god, thank god. I thought you’d…_ ”

Calum remembers how Michael’s voice trailed away, and the way that he could practically _hear_ the other boy shuddering, and Calum remembers how the panic started to claw in his chest again as the scars on his arm gave a phantom throb, as though icy fingers were wrapping around his arm, around his _heart_ , and _squeezing_.

“ _Cal, why aren’t you talking? Where are you?_ ”

Calum remembers looking around with wild eyes and panicking for _real_ then because _fuck_ , he had no idea. “I don’t know, Mikey! I just… I started walking and now I don’t know where I am…” Calum remembers how his voice trailed away pathetically as he clutched his mobile phone like it was the only thing keeping him afloat – and honestly, Michael keeping him from drowning felt a little too close to the truth at the moment – and Calum remembers hating himself for that.

“ _It’s okay, Cal, it’s all gonna be okay. Just look around. What can you see?_ ” Calum remembers how it sounded like Michael was covering the mouthpiece as he shouted something frantically to Luke and Ashton, and Calum remembers sitting down heavily on the dusty ground at the side of the road and burying his face in the crook of his arm as he struggled to catch his breath. “ _Cal, you’ve gotta focus – this is important. What can you see?_ ”

Calum remembers doing as he was asked, raising his head even as tears blurred his vision and threatened to spill over again, and Calum remembers hoping they didn’t because the rain had already thoroughly soaked him and he was _freezing_ now.

“I… I see a… There’s a petrol station up the road… and… and I think that’s… I don’t know – what are those things called where there a loads of pylons all standing together?”

Calum remembers how stupid that sounded and the little snort of desperate laughter that escaped Michael over the phone, and Calum remembers vaguely hearing him relaying the information to the others and how Ashton shouted out something that sounded a _lot_ like: “ _I think I know where that is!_ ” although, with the static and Luke’s worried voice, Calum couldn’t be sure.

Calum remembers how the rain was falling even _harder_ now, the drops hitting the ground like bullets and stirring up the chalk-coloured dust covering the ground as the dark clouds rolled overhead. Calum remembers rubbing his scarred wrist hard against the rough denim of his jeans because he _needed_ the release, and he remembers how it wasn’t enough and how he _really_ needed Michael if he was expected to keep his promise of not cutting again from what seemed like _such_ a long time ago, and Calum remembers needing to tell Michael this but not knowing _how_ and simply settling for: “ _I’m so sorry_.”

Calum remembers how he heard Michael’s intake of breath over the phone and then his rushed: “ _It’s okay, Callie. It’s all gonna be okay. Just sit tight. We’re coming to get you. I’ve just put you on speaker. Ash is driving now. Luke’s here too. Here, have a talk to him. He’s worried about you. We_ all _are._ ”

Calum remembers how he had to fight not to cry again then because they were all being so _sweet_ and all Calum ever did was fuck things up and yet they still _stayed_ with him for some reason he couldn’t comprehend. Calum knew he didn’t deserve friends as amazing as them, or the opportunity they’d been given, and he privately thought that it would have been better for _everyone_ if Michael had never found him bleeding out in the bathroom a few years ago.

Calum remembers feeling a cold rush of dread when he realised that he'd said that aloud in his tired, wrecked state because he had suddenly heard Ash swear softly and Michael’s sobs, and Calum remembers how Luke took a shaky breath before he spoke.

“ _Don’t say things like that, Cal._ ” Calum remembers how Luke’s voice was surprisingly calm and steady for someone who was panicking so much, and Calum remembers thinking that it was just _exactly_ what he needed to hear right now. “ _You’re worth so fucking much and you don’t see it, I_ know _you don’t see but we’re all gonna keep telling you the truth until you believe it. You’re our friend, Cal, our_ best _friend, and I don’t know what we’d do without you. We’d be nothing._ ”

“ _We love you, Calum_ ,” Calum remembers hearing Ashton add, and then the static sound cut off a little – as though it was no longer on speaker – and Michael must have been holding the phone again because his voice was suddenly so much louder than it had been before as he fought not to cry.

“ _I love you, Cal. I love you so fucking much! I don’t want to end things – I just want you to be_ happy _! No, don’t fucking laugh like that – no, no, you_ can _be happy again! And… and don’t do anything that’ll take you away from me. Please. Not again. I couldn’t stand it. I don’t think I could_ live _without you now._ ”

Calum remembers how the tears boiled over and coursed down his cold cheeks, and he remembers struggling for breath as he heard Michael crying again over the phone.

“Don’t say that,” Calum remembers gasping out brokenly, pinching his leg as hard as he could because he was so fucking _horrible_ for hurting his friends like this. “Don’t say that, Mikey, _please_. You’d be fine without me. Of _course_ you’d be fine.”

“ _I wouldn’t_ ,” Michael had replied with absolute certainty. “ _I really,_ really _wouldn’t._ ” Calum remembers how everything went quiet for a few moments then before Michael spoke again, his voice suddenly a lot more urgent than before. “ _Cal, Ash says we’re on the road out of town that passes the petrol station. We should be there in a few minutes._ ”

Calum remembers how his cheeks flamed with embarrassment and pain as he considered the guys seeing him like this, and he remembers how his heart raced harder and his palms began to sweat because this was _beyond_ humiliating, maybe even worse than when they’d all come to see him in hospital after… after _last_ time.

Or perhaps it wasn't.

“I’m _cold_ , Mikey,” Calum remembers whispering and he remembers the way his voice threatened to crack in the middle of the sentence as he swapped pinching his leg for shoving his hand under his damp t-shirt because it was _marginally_ warmer under there.

“ _We’ll be with you_ so _soon, Cal, honest. I love you,_ ” Calum remembers Michael reassuring him, his voice so choked up that it was hard to work out what he’d said.

Calum remembers how he knew anyway.

He remembers how he saw a familiar, battered blue car speeding down the road beneath the endless grey sky as the clouds parted a little and the first rays of sun filtered down onto the world below. Calum remembers how the car slammed to a stop about ten metres away and the dust cloud that had kicked up behind it, and the phone call ended.

Calum remembers how the world was suddenly colourful again because Michael was _there_ – running towards him with his arms full of material and a determined look on his face – and Calum remembers feeling safe again as the ebb of ice below his skin faded and the panic lessened slightly.

Calum remembers how Michael wrapped him up in what _might_ have been Luke’s hoody, and Calum remembers seeing his two remaining bandmates watching him with identical mixtures of shock and fear and _love_ , and Calum remembers the way Michael’s arms wrapped around him and held him close as he spoke softly into his ear.

“I love you, Cal! I love you so, so, _so_ fucking much and I’m sorry if I don’t tell you enough and I’m sorry things have been rough recently but I love you and I _can’t_ live without you – I _can’t_ – and I’m not saying that because I want you to feel bad because I _really_ fucking don’t – you feel bad enough about things that aren’t your fault already! – and if you really _do_ want to end things, that’s okay, that’s _completely_ okay, but you’ve _got_ to make this decision for the right reason and you’re not! _We’re_ not! And you have to stop thinking you’re not _worth anything_ , Cal! I fucking love you and it _hurts_ to see you treating yourself so badly! It’s like… it’s like if I was doing what _you_ do to... to _myself_. How would you feel then, Cal?”

“ _Please don’t_!” Calum remembers choking out and he remembers how Michael held him tighter - almost like he was keeping him from breaking into a million tiny little pieces, like dust on the wind - and said: “Then I think we need to get you some help. Because we can’t _stand_ to watch you falling apart like this, to see you _hating_ yourself when you’re so fucking _beautiful_. What… what do you think?”

Calum remembers how Michael’s voice trailed away like he was frightened of upsetting Calum, of making him _worse_ or something (like that was even possible anymore), and Calum remembers nodding stiffly because, _fuck_ , maybe he wasn’t doing it for himself but he was at least _trying_ , and that had to count for _something_ , didn’t it?

He remembers how Michael made this small, relieved noise and nuzzled his face into Calum’s neck, breathing in the familiar smell and kissing the soft skin there, almost like he was committing it to memory in case Calum tried to –

But no, Calum remembers how that was too painful to even _consider_ because, sure, he wasn’t _one hundred_ per cent certain that their love would last – but really, was _anybody_? – but he remembers thinking that there was a chance that maybe it _could_ do, and that that was enough for him.

Michael always was.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how I feel about this fic yet, although it's made something apparent: for some reason there's not nearly enough Ash in any of my fics! *makes plans to rectify that ASAP*  
> I hope you guys didn't _totally_ hate this - please leave comments and kudos to let me know!  
>  Thank you...  
> Imma go sit and think about what I've done now. Sorry.


End file.
